A Biblical Marriage

By Susan Burkepile, Contributing Writer

Eli was on a quest.

He found an imaginary snake, snake skins, and dinosoar bones in our backyard.   And so, when he tracked dirt in my kitchen to report another discovery, my patience was wearing a little thin.  But I let him drag me outside one last time.

And there was a baby bunny.

After such a charade of fake treasures, a real find was completely unexpected.

But in my walk of faith, God often works in unexpected ways too.

I considered myself in control.  Stable.  Reliable.

Yes, I knew that anxiety had always been a stumbling block.  But recently, my stability unexpectedly tumbled.  My emotions unraveled – my anxiety spiraled out of control.

I quickly retreated into isolation and depression.  But even before my climactic unraveling, it was silently eroding my relationships.  And my marriage proved to be no exception.

Honestly, my husband never complained.  Mike has gently accommodated my limitations and loved me despite them.

While none of these issues were crippling to our marriage, they revealed a weakness in our relationship.  I was dependent on him.   And marriage is not a one-way street.  My dependency on him deprived him of blessings that I was unable to bestow on him.

I definitely have some regrets.

I have missed opportunities to appropriately affirm him in front of others or reach out to create common friendships.  With my discomfort or silence, I have unintentionally implied dislike to people important to him. My lack of transparency has created communication barriers and negated the opportunity for us to pray together.  I have interrupted his days when I needed him to drive me, asked him to leave activities early, and froze under pressure.  I have ruined the pleasure of previously shared activities as my anxiety enacted frustration, tears, and anger.

But changing, in my own strength, was impossible.   Unfortunately, the more I tried to move out of my comfort zone, the worse my heart raced.  The less I slept.  And the more anxious I became.

And so, we waited on God.   In time, He revealed my avid distrust in His love.  And it broke my heart.  But in that brokenness,  God’s gracious love transformed my heart.  And I became consumed in His gentle, but powerful, hold on my heart.

And the unexpected happened.

God’s power broke the grip anxiety had on my life.  My physical symptoms faded.  And consequently, our marriage began a new season.

We communicate.  And not about the kids – about our affections, disappointments, and needs.  If we leave an activity early, it’s not because I am miserable.  We have engaged in deep friendships with other couples and enjoyed common encouragement, prayer, and support.  And finally, we can differentiate between activities that will encourage us and activities that simply discourage  and tear down the progress that God has graciously given us.

In each moment, God supplies His power and strength to continue releasing me.  I no longer depend on my husband to compensate for my inadequacy.  Instead, God’s power and love becomes my confidence.

And that has abundantly blessed our marriage.

“Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.” ~ Ephesians 3:20

 

By Scott Morefield, Contributing Writer

My wife is a lucky gal. After all, she’s married to the guy who knows everything (that’s what she tells me anyway, and I assume it’s a compliment!). Yep, that’s me. I’ve apparently been a ‘know it all’ since my momma put my crib next to a dresser. To hear Mom tell the story, I scared her to death – but hey, what are four walls and a Winnie the Pooh mobile when you can have freedom (and a knot on the head, but that’s beside the point!).

Well, I don’t REALLY know everything (hey, don’t act so surprised!), but we guys sometimes tend to ACT like we do. That is, for a good portion of us anyway, at least until we’ve been married for a few weeks. However, hard as it may be to believe, there are some men who refuse to learn from experience (or much of anything else, for that matter). Some of us, instead of looking to Christ for a role model, look to the likes of Al Bundy instead.

Now I’ve made (and still make) more than my share of mistakes, to be sure, and I’m ashamed to say I’ve even made a FEW of the ones I’m going to list below. I’ve even known a few poor saps who have made most of these mistakes multiple times. IF they are still married, let’s just say ‘momma’s not happy’ very much and leave it at that. Since a smart man (and I am, occasionally…) learns from not only his own mistakes, but the mistakes of others, I’m going to list a few here, the things the ‘mister know-it-alls’ among us do over and over, based on the things he apparently assumes will make his lady happy (??).

News flash – they don’t, she’s not, and… WAKE UP!

Learning to Not Assume With Your Wife

Mister Know-It-All assumes (and we all know assumptions can be dangerous things!) that -

She loves it when he gets right to the root of their arguments so fast and tells her exactly why she is angry and why it’s silly. It makes her feel… understood.

She loves it when he knows exactly what to get her for her birthday without asking or even observing. After all, she surely would have never thought of or considered some of the awesome things he’s introduced her to (Dyson vacuums anyone??).

She appreciates it when he saves the family money by skipping useless holidays like Valentine’s Day and Mother’s Day. They may have little kids, but she ain’t HIS momma! (He does appreciate it, however, when his wife gets his mother something for Mother’s Day, but it’s not like it’s any kind of sacrifice since everyone knows women LOVE to shop!)

When he ‘listens’ to her talk about her problems at work (yeah, if anything THAT should earn him a medal!), then proceeds to tell her exactly how she needs to go about fixing them, usually without even letting her finish the story.

When he tries to save her calories at a restaurant by ordering water instead of tea. After all, she’s always complaining and saying she needs to lose some weight, so why not do his part to help?

When he’s brutally honest with her about how those particular clothes make her look. He thinks it’s pretty clear that God hates a liar. (Did I mention he can be an amateur theologian when it suits his  purposes?)

When he takes charge of the remote control and gives her a sampling of not just one show, but EVERY show that’s on. Who knows the cool stuff she would have missed just leaving on Lifetime and Hallmark all those years! Plus, let’s face it, those channels are just plain BOOORRRRING! (You guessed it - this is one of the ones I’ve made and still make, but I’m still NOT apologizing for it! )

Since the Bible clearly says the older should teach the younger (there’s that ‘amateur theologian’ again!), that means he should take every possible opportunity to tell her how his Mother does things!

When he tells her that itty bitty extra ingredient that would have made the meal she cooked even better. It doesn’t mean what she’s cooked is bad, but hey, nobody’s perfect, right?

When he points out the places she inadvertently missed while cleaning the house. Wouldn’t anyone want to know this? After all, the Bible does say that iron should sharpen iron (by now our ‘amateur theologian’ is probably burning at the stake…).

When, after a stressful day at home with the kids, he saunters in from work and proceeds to ask her what she’s been doing all day. Most everyone could use SOME help with their time-management skills, right?

We could go on and on with all this – the moral of the story is, guys who seek to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it, those guys not only get the moral and spiritual satisfaction out of doing what is right, they also tend to spend a LOT less time in the doghouse!

By Darlene Glasglow, Contributing Writer

Not all marriage stories read like a fairy-tale. Many love stories, like my own took a rough, winding, broken road before finally reaching the destination where God could bless me with a godly, biblical marriage. My husband and I have similar past histories. We each traveled a road filled with broken relationships and broken promises before we allowed God to direct our paths.

Because we serve in ministry, some are surprised to learn that this is not our first marriage. I’m actually glad that people are surprised. I don’t want anything about our marriage to reflect the brokenness of our past. I only want others to see that we have a godly marriage and a loving relationship that reflects Christ.

Most people do not enter marriage thinking that someday it will end in divorce. Divorce is certainly not part of God’s plan and it was not something that I ever thought I would experience. Although, my husband I have both had previous marriages to end in divorce, we would never suggest this path as an option to anyone going through marital difficulties. The Bible clearly teaches against divorce except in the case of sexual immorality.

 “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” ~ Matthew 5:32

 

However, just because the Bible allows for divorce because of adultery, it doesn’t mean that divorce should be the only option. God can and will restore marriages damaged by infidelity if both partners are willing to submit fully to Christ. God does forgive the sin of adultery and He also forgives those of us who have sinned through divorce. God’s grace is sufficient to forgive any sin and to heal and restore lives damaged through the consequences of sin.

^“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” ~ 1 John 1:9

 

We often hear it said that, “sin is sin”, meaning that one sin is no different from any other. This is true. We should repent of all sin, whether it is something as common as telling a lie or speaking harshly to someone or something much more serious, such as sexual immorality or causing harm to someone. God will forgive us of the more serious sins just as quickly as He forgives our little “white lies”. However, the consequences of sins such as adultery or choosing to divorce are usually much more serious than that of the “white lie”. Divorce not only damages the lives of the couple who choose to sever their marital bond, but it also effects the lives of all those connected to the couple through this marriage. If there are children involved, divorce can have a life-long impact on them. Divorce adds many complications involving family, former in-laws, mutual friends, joint property, and mutual social institutions, such as church. When two lives have been joined together as one, it is a difficult and painful process to sever that bond. The marriage bond was never meant to be broken, so of course when this happens, it causes damage.

“What therefore God joins together, let not man put asunder” ~ Matthew 19:6

 

In spite of all the pain, guilt and complications associated with divorce, it is still prevalent among non-Christians and Christians alike. As I’ve said, my husband and I both had a previous marriage to end in divorce and we have had to deal with the consequences and the effects of that decision. The good news is; God is in the business of forgiving sin and restoring broken lives. God has forgiven us for our past decisions and blessed us with a wonderful, godly marriage. Although we have been together for 10 years, we are still “divorcees”. The sin is washed away but we can’t erase the experience. However, God does use our past experiences to shape us and many times he uses them to minister to others. God has placed my husband and me in ministry together. We served for 8 years as missionaries in Central America and we are now seeking God for direction for ministry opportunities here in the United States. God has used our journey on a broken road to bring us to a place where He can use us to build His Kingdom. You can read a little more about my personal experience with divorce in another article that I wrote called, “Damaged by Divorce & Restored by Grace”.

If you too, have already suffered the pains of divorce, I want you to know that there is life after divorce and there is Kingdom work for you to do. Allow time for the healing first and then God will help you find your place of service. 

By Hilary Bernstein, Contributing Writer

Before my husband and I got married, I knew he enjoyed playing video games. But until we got married and began living together, I had no idea that his hobby was a daily activity.

Since I absolutely despise video games, this topic has been a source of contention throughout the ten years of our marriage.

Over the years I’ve noticed my anti-video game requests are useless, so I’ve tried to take a prayerful approach suggested by author Stormie Omartian in “The Power of a Praying Wife.” For the past seven or eight years, I’ve kept my mouth shut and given my concerns and complaints to the Lord. Honestly, the frequency and fervency of my prayers depends on my levels of patience and irritation.

Throughout my process of prayer, I keep coming back to the painful truth found in Luke 6:41, 42:

“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

 

This verse convicts and reminds me that even if playing video games does not glorify God, I need to stop and address my own sinful habits.

Everyone struggles

Husbands and wives spend their free moments in countless ways – some of these choices are beneficial, yet many fail to honor God:

Some husbands stay out until the middle of the night playing cards with their guy friends. Others head to their garages or workshops for night after night of tinkering in solitude.

Some wives spend far too much time and money shopping, yet justify it as “retail therapy.” Others, addicted to Facebook or Pinterest, stare at computer screens for hours, even when their family members are sitting in the same room.

Smart phones and texts are twisting and warping basic relationship patterns. When it’s virtually impossible – or extremely uncomfortable – to have a face-to-face discussion without the presence of a mobile device, there’s a problem. Common addictions to a continually wired life are changing lives, marriages, and families – and not for the better.

Individual interests and habits are not necessarily wrong – but a believer needs to examine if they glorify God and if they have become addictions.

What can we do?

So what can a believer do? For starters, examine your own life. Identify your own struggles, sins, and strongholds.

Then heed the command found in Romans 12:2:

“Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.”

 

To help renew your mind, follow the basic guidelines given in Philippians 4:8:

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

 

Be sure to pray. Pray about everything. As Philippians 4:6 instructs,

“In every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.”

 

Pray about yourself. Pray about your spouse. Pray about your struggles. Pray about your annoyances. Thank God for His blessings. Then trust Him to complete good works he created in advance for you. While you’re praying, you should notice something spectacular, described in Philippians 4:7:

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

 

As long as you’re praying and seeking God, change will come. It may only be in your own heart and life – but you’ll be conformed to His image. And that’s the most important change you need.

By Justyn Lang, Contributing Writer

Every couple has their own unique set of difficulties, trials and stresses. Too often we allow those things to come between us, rather than letting God use them to strengthen our marriages. We get impatient with each other, we forget to speak in love, sometimes we even begin to see each other as the problem. The stress builds and our marriages suffer.

“A cheerful heart is good medicine…” Proverbs 17:22

 

Joy can be healing.

When life is crazy and we just can’t get our feet under us, laughing together instead of snapping at each other can make all the difference. Some people mistakenly think that going through hard things together will make them stronger, but that isn’t true. We have to choose to respond to those hard things in the right way for us to be strengthened in our marriage. If we default to attacking each other, all we’ve done is reinforced bad habits.

Last winter we were going through a very stressful time. Some was good stress, some was bad stress. We intentionally laughed together whenever possible. You might be surprised how often funny little things will pop up if you are looking for them. I’m a naturally serious person. I don’t “make light of things” like my hubby. I tend to want serious things to be taken seriously, which has always meant that stressful times just weren’t the “right” time to laugh. During that stressful season I realized that if I waited for smoother waters, it would be quite a while before there was any laughter happening in our house.

Laughing together may seem like a very small thing. After all, most people talk about praying together, trusting God and other more “spiritual” things when times are tough. We did all of those, of course, but we chose to really focus on being thankful and joyful, too. The people I know who have really been able to trust God through the hard times aren’t the ones who stoically and unemotionally endured, they were the ones who could see good things and be thankful for them throughout their trials. They were the  ones who had light hearts in spite of heavy burdens, because they chose to let God carry the burden for them. As a result, they had joyful hearts.

We don’t need to deny how serious, tragic or painful a situation is, but why not appreciate the small pieces of happiness that are scattered throughout the situation, too? If a husband and wife are able to do that together as they trust God, their marriage will be strengthened. Laughing together builds a bond in a unique way. A person doesn’t relax and laugh with an enemy. When we laugh with another person, we’re letting them know that we like them. We build camaraderie through the shared moment of joy. It doesn’t have to be anything extremely witty, just make sure that your spouse knows you truly are laughing “with them” not “at them”.

In our stressful season, we grew closer to each other and we sincerely enjoyed watching God work things out in our lives. I wonder whether we would have noticed all the little blessing as much if we had been gloomy and sad. Not only was our marriage strengthened, but our kids benefited, too! Laughing with your spouse and laughing with your kids really can take hard times and help you to see the blessings.

Written by Gina Lee, Contributing Writer

Last year around Valentine’s Day, our youth group hosted a ‘love panel’ of several married couples and one engaged couple who answered questions that had been previously collected from the youths regarding love and marriage. My husband & I were honored to be on this panel, and in preparing for the discussion one question in particular caught my attention – “When am I old enough to ‘fall in love’?”

I saw at it’s root this question having two parts:

1) Is a certain age required to ‘fall in love’?

2) What exactly is ‘falling in love’?

The young man or woman who asked it was most likely looking for reassurance to engage in romantic type behavior with the opposite sex with the coming of a certain age. But the answer I encountered in Scripture was far from a ‘green light’ to hold hands or kiss a special someone when you turn 16.

First, let’s explore the idea of ‘falling in love’. While there are obviously such things as butterflies in your stomach when he catches your glance, or sweaty palms when she chooses the seat near you, the Bible is pretty clear that these emotional responses are not the true definition of real love, or even that they reveal whether true love is present. Just a quick search for ‘love’ in scripture reveals a much different idea.

John 15:12 instructs us to love one another as Jesus has loved us. Romans 12:10 reveals that love gives precedence and honor to others more than ourselves.Galatians 5:13 relates love to serving each other. Ephesians 4 & 5 use the words humility, meekness, unselfishness, gentleness, mildness, patience, enduring, esteeming, and delighting when talking about love, as well as reminding us to love as Christ loved us by giving His life up for us. 1 Peter 4:8 says “above all things have intense and unfailing love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins (forgives and disregards the offenses of others).” (added emphasis mine, all scripture from the Amplified Bible)

This is by no means an exhaustive list, yet it still reveals that Scripture considers love to be much more than butterflies and sweaty palms. Real love, God’s love, and the love God desires us to have, is deeper and richer and stronger than something any of us could ever ‘fall’ into. It requires action. It requires devotion and desire, and is all consuming. And, for us, love requires choice. (I think the only love we could ever ‘fall’ into would be the love of Christ, since it is all powerful, all surrounding, all encompassing, and always catches us when we stumble.) Our human nature is focused inward, while love is focused outward. Loving like Jesus doesn’t come naturally for us, it takes effort.

Now to address the other part of the question – is a certain age required to ‘fall in love’? Hmmm….let’s rephrase this, based on what we’ve just explored in Scripture about love. New question – is a certain age required to choose to be in love? Well, aside from cultural norms, which vary depending on the the culture you live in, there is no magic age that makes you qualified to love. What does matter, as Scripture shows, is how you view love. If you can grasp that love is more about putting the other person above and before yourself and your own happiness, then you are probably old enough to ‘fall in love’ or, more Biblically speaking, choose to be in love.

So, what about you, how old where you when you first chose to be in love? Is your current relationship based more on your own happiness, or on what is best for the other person?

By Chris Cartwright, Contributing Writer

On a blog about marriage, I believe it is fair to ask the question: “Is marriage better than singleness?” Why does this question even come to mind? Well, as a single man, myself along with many other single friends are faced (on a fairly regular basis) with questions from well-meaning friends and family such as “are you married yet?” or “Don’t worry, God’s got someone for you” or even the occasional well-meaning offer to “help” us find someone.

As well-meaning as these people are, there are subtle implications which slip into the mind of singles upon hearing such things. Many times, because of a strong emphasis on marriage (and rightfully so…to some degree), singles might begin to feel like “second class citizens” because we have not yet had the opportunity to enter the glorious covenant relationship between a man and a woman designed to give us a picture of the relationship between Christ and the Church.

It is also very easy to get the impression as a single person that life doesn’t begin until marriage does, or that we can never be as effective in ministering to the Body of Christ as singles, as we could if we were married. As a single person, one who is desirous of marriage and family, it is easy to slip into the mindset that singleness is a curse. This then only tends to lead to discontentment.

But is this really true? Is singleness a curse?…or could it be a blessing? Should we as singles focus on finding a spouse? Or should we be focused on something else? God brought these questions to me a few weeks ago through a very familiar passage of scripture…

1 Cor 7:27 says “Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be free. Are you free from a wife? Do not seek a wife.”

 

What exactly is Paul saying here? Is He saying that singles should not marry at all? No…in the next verse he says that it is no sin if a  person marries. Also, the incredible discourse which Paul gives in Ephesians 5 clearly indicates that Paul is not saying “don’t ever marry” in this passage.

So what is Paul saying? I believe what Paul is saying here is that for those of us who are single, we should not make the “goal”  of pursuing marriage what drives us in life. There are unique ways in which a single person can minister to the body of Christ, which might be more difficult for the person who has the responsibility of marriage. Here are just a few of many examples:

• A single person can give far more financially to the church and to others in need because he or she doesn’t have the financial obligations that come with having a family.
• A single person can devote far more time to mentoring a boy or girl who does not have responsible parents in his or her life.
• A single person can much more easily take care of the children of a couple, to allow them to have a much-needed date night.
• A single person does not have the time obligations of a family, and can therefore minister to others with much more spontaneity.
• A single person can travel to any part of the country, or even the world to preach the gospel at a moment’s notice without having to think through how such a drastic move might affect their spouse and children.
• A single person can be imprisoned, yea even martyred for Christ without having to think about leaving behind a widow/widower or leaving young children as orphans. (The Apostle Paul was a great example of this).

So is singleness really a curse? Or a gift? While marriage is a wonderful thing, and there is nothing wrong with desiring it…and looking forward to it, marriage shouldn’t be the driving force in our lives. Instead, we should be looking forward to those opportunities to minister which are made easier by not having the responsibility of a family…and allow God to lead us into the glorious institution of marriage…when HE is ready.

I understand that most of those who are reading this are probably married, so here is how this can apply to you. You can be used of the Lord to encourage singles that you know to  be content in the state in which they are in…using it as an incredible opportunity to minister in ways which the responsibilities might limit them in the future!

By Michael & Marlene Griffith, Contributing Writers

Parenting is not an easy task. It is a part of life that can take you through a roller coaster of emotions. There is excitement for this glorious blessing that only the Lord could provide. There is hope for what this child will be like, and dreams of what kind of parent you will be. But most importantly there is the love-driven desire to teach them about the Lord and his matchless grace.

How can you daily show them?

1. Love God

Deuteronomy 6:5 (also Matthew 22:37) “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.”

Deuteronomy 6:7 “You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie d own, and when you rise.”

 

One of the greatest gifts you can give you children is the gift of them knowing and seeing how you love Christ. Speak of the Lord often, speak of His love, His sacrifice in dying at the cross for our sins. Let them hear the love for Him in every word you speak.

2. Love others (an outflow of the previous)

Matthew 22:39 “you shall love your neighbor as yourself”

 

Showing your children your love for Christ in how you love your neighbor is a blessing to them and a life changing example. When you children see how you care for others, it will inevitably impact their hearts. When you are serving someone at church, say a mother who has just given birth – let them help you prepare a meal for her, and invite them to accompany you when you deliver it. There are many other ways they can see and experience you loving your neighbor. Some ideas are volunteering at a shelter, or at a local orphanage. If it’s not something local, maybe they can help you prepare a care package for someone in need that lives too far for a visit.

3. In your marriage

Ephesians 5:23” For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church”

 

Are your children seeing how Dad is giving himself up for mom? And loving her as Christ loved the church? Do not just teach them what the Gospel says. Live.It.Out.

Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”

 

Moms, are your children seeing you as an example of biblical submission, lived out? To your husband as the church is to Christ?

“Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

 

4. Guard your words

We are flesh and temptation will always exist. Be cautious with your choice of words. Are they building up or meant to bring down? This goes not just for when you are speaking to your children but also to your spouse. Train yourself to speak in an encouraging manner.

Proverbs 10:32 “The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable, but the mouth of the wicked, what is perverse”

 

Children watch our every move and hear our every word (sometimes more when it’s not directed at them).

5. Forgiveness

Ask for forgiveness. Always, and as much as you possibly can. Forgiveness is one of the most relationship binding actions there is.

Proverbs 19:11 “it is his glory to overlook an offense”

 

It is a man’s glory to overlook a transgression. Not forgiving produces bitterness. Not asking for forgiveness is a result of either pride or shame; neither of which should be allowed to house themselves in our hearts. They only lead to resentful hearts and anger.

These five points will help you teach your children, through your actions, what it is to live out life in a Christ-like manner. We would like to encourage you to pray over them as often as you can with each other, so that you may lovingly keep each other accountable.